The Guilt Of Not Being Able To Breastfeed.

  It has been fourteen years and six months since I had my first child, it has been two years and ten months since I had my fifth and last child. With my first I tried to breastfeed, for the first month it seemed like he was constantly hungry, like he was starving. I was young and didn't know about lactation consultants and support groups so I quit and started giving him formula. At the time I thought it was weird that I never leaked, I never had any boob pain, even when I stopped breast feeding.

  With my second I decided to try again. Before I had her I read a few books on breastfeeding to hopefully help me make it work this time. A few hours after she was born she was rushed to the special care nursery because she had almost died choking on spit up. She was in there for 5 days. She wasn't able to be fed for a few days but I still gave it a shot. When she came home we went to Baby's R Us and bought a very nice, very expensive pump because it was recommended to build up my milk supply after telling the lactation consultant at the hospital about my previous attempt at breastfeeding. So we go home and again it seems as though my baby is starving. The lactation consultant said she was latching on good so it wasn't that. I would pump and in those first couple of weeks I would be lucky to get 2oz's in 30min's of pumping, and no that isn't just one breast that was combined. After a couple more weeks I couldn't even get an ounce of milk. After trying a few of the things the lactation consultant suggested, still no change. I put her on formula and again like before I had never leaked the whole time and never got engorged after switching her to formula.

It was a that point I realized my body had failed me. I had failed my babies. I never tried again with the rest of my babies. And I never got those great big boobs that is a plus to pregnancy and I also never got engorged or had very much pain. When I was pregnant with Isabella, before we knew about her condition, I talked with my NP and she agreed that my milk doesn't come in, I did still have some hope up until that point that maybe the other 3 times were flukes. With Isabella I did have a little tenderness but that was it. I always thought it odd that the one baby Indidn't have a choice in is the one I had a little bit of pain. Like another sick joke my body was playing on me.

Even though I would have breastfeed if I could I still feel guilty that I used formula. I had never heard of breast milk banks until my youngest was over year old. My brain knows there wasn't anything I could do differently but my heart still feels that guilt.

I think what makes it worse is that breast feeding is pushed in your face everywhere. Which is a good thing, people need to be educated on it and it's benefits, but for people like me it's just a constant reminder of what we couldn't give our babies. They have posters covering doctors office walls, you go to WIC and there are posters and pamphlet's everywhere, I even saw a poster on a metro train in D.C., then I come home and see it all over my facebook.

Most of the time it doesn't bother me on facebook. But sometimes when I see a status some wrote about breastfeeding and everyone comments how great of a mother she is for doing it, it just hurts. I know no one says stuff like that to hurt people but when I read it all I can think is I guess that makes me a shitty mother because I couldn't do that for my babies. A breastfeeding mother posts about problems she is having and everyone comments with supporting words. Where are the supporting words for those of us who can't or even those that choose not to? Just because we can't breastfeed or *gasp* actually choose to give our babies formula doesn't mean we don't need support words letting us know that we too are doing the best we can for our babies.

Then you have what some of us call the breastfeeding Nazi's. They are the ones that go around talking crap about everyone that doesn't breastfeed. They are the ones that will put you down even after you explain that you didn't have a choice it the matter. You tell them it was either let your baby starve or feed them formula. They don't care, they tell you you should have tried harder and I have even been told that I am lying that there is no way a body wouldn't produce beast milk. I have literally been told that I am a horrible mother for giving up and not trying harder, yes because by trying hard it would automatically make my body change into a milk machine.

Will this guilt ever go away? Will I ever come to terms with the fact that my body didn't do what it was supposed to? Will I ever be able to see a poster or a status update without that nagging guilt coming back to the surface? I pray that one day I will be able to be okay with it.

From all the studies on how great breastfeeding is for babies I guess I am lucky how healthy mine turned out on formula. That does bring me some comfort. Between my 4 living children they have had a whopping 6 ear infections combined, yes combined between them all. They are all very smart and hardly ever get sick. My second daughters medical records were retired because she didn't see a doctor for two years because she never got sick enough. I know you are like what you didn't even take her in for a yearly appointment?? Well back then, or maybe it was just that military hospitals practice, they told me at her 2 year apt she didn't need to be seen again until she was 5 for any shots or physicals. Luckily now that isn't practiced anymore, those are the ages they need to be seen to catch most developmental problems. Anyways I guess my point it is does bring me some comfort that the formula feeding didn't cause any problems in my babies.

Before I go I want to say I have NOTHING against anyone that breastfeeds. This was not an attack at anyone who breastfeeds, or anyone who talks about or posts about on facebook. And just a FYI I also have NOTHING against anyone who chooses to formula feed. This is all about my own feelings of guilt and sometimes not feeling like the best mother because of not being able to give them what everyone says is the best thing you can give your baby, breast milk.

Kroger Skillet Meals

As most of my friends know I am all about deals and saving money. I also love to cook, well most of the time. This time of year I can start feeling overwhelmed and finding the time to cook can be hard. thanks to BzzAgent and Kroger I was able to get a meal for 5 on the table in 10 minutes! Yes you read that right, 10 minutes!!

They let me try out a Kroger skillet meal, Kroger frozen garlic bread and a Kroger salad kit. I picked the Penne with Grilled Chicken Skillet meal. I was shocked at how fast it was ready and how great it tasted! I am NOT a fan of frozen meals, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one. Makes me want to try out all the Kroger Skillet Meals! My husband even said we should keep the freezer stocked with them for nights we just don't have the time or just don't feel like cooking.

The Galic bread was good. I was surprised at how well it was for a store brand. Kroger brands just keep surprising me. I LOVE garlic and LOVE LOVE LOVE garlic bread so I am pretty picky when it comes to it. I have to say from now on it is the Kroger brand garlic bread I will be buying.

I have honestly never bought a salad kit before. I have bought bagged salads just not the full kit. I picked up the Cesar Salad one and it was great! The lettuce was fresh and crispy, the dresses tasted great and the croutons were crunchy, just like I like them. It much easier having all the items together like that and just tossing them all in a bowl. The Salad kits will be added to my grocery shopping trip from now on.

Here is a picture of our yummy meal tonight!

Thanks again to BzzAgent and Kroger for giving me the chance to try these items for free and for showing me an easy but tasteful way to feed my family when I need something quick and easy!

Fair Trade Coffee

I LOVE coffee, and I mean I REALLY LOVE coffee! I usually drink 3 or more cups a day of it. You don't want to come near me if I haven't had my coffee yet, lol. Even my husband knows this, he now wakes me up in the morning with a cup of coffee in his hand for me. Yes I know I have the best husband ever :)

I have never really thought about where my coffee comes from. I usually just enjoy the taste and that little bit of energy I get from it. All that changed with the BzzAgent Fair Trade campaign. Thank to it and Kelly Clarkson I now know all about the Fair Trade Coffee and will only be buying it. Go to this link, Choosefairtrade.com, to learn all about it. If you are like me you will be surprised about what you learn.

Thanks BzzAgent for teaching me about this and for the free fair trade certified kcups from Green Mountain Coffee.

Postive

I have been trying to stay positive but some days it is just hard. I try to remind myself that we have a roof over our heads, food on our table, and are alive and healthy. I am thankful for these things but some days I want more. I want friends. I want a life. I want to be more than a high school drop out stay at home mom. I just don't know where to start.

Most days I am lucky to just get out of my pajama's. Heck if I am honest on rare occasions I am just lucky to get out of bed. I was talking with Dwayne yesterday morning and realized I have no idea what I want to be when I "grow" up.

When I was younger I wanted to be a teacher, but those dreams have long gone. I thought about being a nurse but it just doesn't feel right. Then I thought about being a Doula since the reason I wanted to go into nursing was to work in labor and delivery. But Doula's are more about natural child birth and breast feeding. Which I have nothing against but I also have nothing against an epidural or formula feeding. I have thought about jobs that work with grieving parents but not sure what those would be. I know I want to go into a field to that works with and helps people, just haven't figured out what field that is yet.

I just feel lost. When Dwayne was in the Army my job was taking care of the kids, the house and supporting him in his career. And even though I am still doing the same thing now, in a sense, it just feels so different. I think a lot of it has to do with not having friends. In the Army lifestyle it was easier to find other wives to be friends with. Ones who were also SAHM's. I just miss my friends so much. This move has been the hardest of them all. I think this time it being our choice has made it harder. Before the Army told us when and where we were moving, we didn't have much of a say in it. This time we chose to leave our friends behind.

There have been a few times since our move that I question if we did the right thing. I remind myself of why we did it, but when I am sitting home day after day with no other social interaction besides my kids and husband it gets easy to start questioning myself. There were two main reasons we moved out here and I am having a hard time figuring out how to go about doing those things.

This change from Army life to civilian life has been hard. Hard on us financially, emotionally and even hard on our marriage at times. It has been scary and uncertain, and I am not good with uncertainty. I am a control freak so I admit it is hard to just put this all in God's hands and trust him. I am trying. I pray that I can get comfortable doing that and learn to trust that he brought us here for a reason and not stress over things so much. My heart knows this is true, it is my mind I have to convince.

Explanation

So after recieving a Facebook message this morning I feel the need to explain some things. I never realized some of the things I said could upset people. Yes we got Toys for Tots/Angel Tree for the kids. Yes we got them each a gift from Operation Homefront and yes without our knowledge my husband's unit bought our kids some presents, along with some other families. And yes we did get an advance from H&R block to buy them some presents.

Here is the reason WHY we got the advance and bought them some presents. First off you don't get a lot of money with the advance. We got a few hundered dollars but out of that we had to buy the ball tickets which weren't cheap and we also paid on a bill. So what was left yes I did use for black friday to buy some gifts. With the Angel Tree/Toys for Tots you never know what you are going to get. If your kids didn't get picked for the Angel Tree then you are going to get one present for each kid. And NO I am not complaining about that, I am very thankful for even one present. And this year all my kids didn't get picked for the Angel Tree and the ones that did get picked didn't all get the same amount. Whoever the nice family was that picked Katie went crazy and got lots of stuff, Jonathan and Wesley got a few things and Hannah got nothing. How would it look Christmas morning when Katie and Jonathan got lots of things but poor Hannah has two things between Toys for Tots and Operation homefront? As adults we undesrstand how it works and are thankful for even one thing but kids don't see things that way. They would be asking why Santa got so in so more than me. I also had to use he advance for Dwayne's work secret santa gifts, our party white elephant gifts and gifts for family members.

We also have 3 kids Birthday's in January, one on the 4th right after Christmas. So we can use those presents we bought with the advance for that. So the presents we buy with the advance can be a back up for Christmas if we need them, which we did for Hannah or birthday presents, which they will be for Katie and Jonathan.

Yes we did buy Jonathan a 3DS and no that did not come out of the advance, that would have been almost all of the advance if we had, lol. Many months ago before my husbands check was being garnished we bought a tablet. Well last month Jonathan was running with the tablet and fell down and broke it. We had bought the warrenty thingy from Best Buy and since they didn't have that same tablet in stock we got a gift card for the amount of the tablet. That is what we used to buy the 3DS. That was the only thing he was asking for for Christmas and I knew we weren't going to get that from Toys for Tots/Angel Tree.

And yes we did buy Katie an electric scooter. That is the one thing she was asking for. I saw a generic one on sale at K-Mart for $80 awhile ago and put it on layaway because again I knew we weren't going to get that from Toys for Tots/Angel Tree.

I truthfully feel like how we do Christmas is no ones business but apparently some people have their panites in a bunch over the fact that we bought toys along with getting assitance. Hopefully this will help straighten out their panties, if not I don't care. I am not going to feel guilty for getting help at Christmas for my kids. And we had NO idea about what his unit was doing, they did not do this in the previous years we have been here., just needed to clarify that.  Now I am on to enjoy this Holiday, and hope that everyone reading this has a Very Merry Christmas!

Herpes

Yes you read that rigth,the title of this blog post is Herpes, lol. A couple weeks after coming home from Dwayne's Basic Graduation I had sores all in my mouth. I head off to the urgent care clinic to get it taken care of because I wasn't able to eat or drink anything. They look at them and tell me I have herpes, I explained to the doctor that my husband was gone and that I hadn't done anything to get herpes. I explained about going for his basic but that he was also with only men so I doubt he did anything, she just said you would be surprised what guys do. I sat in complete shock. I go home and write Dwayne a not so very nice letter asking him what in the world he did during Basic to give me herpes when I was there for his graduation. I am thinking some pretty bad things, especially because he was in an all male basic training, lol.

A day or two later I get a call from him and I of course go off on him pretty much saying and asking the same things I did in the letter. He swears up and down he has no idea what I am talking about that he didn't do anything while at basic. I had done nothing while he was gone so of course I didn't believe him and just knew he gave me herpes.

About a week later the mouth sores had just gotten worse so I head off to urgent care again. This time I got a different doctor. Right away she knew it wasn't herpes. She had looked over my list of meds I was on and knew it was one of the new asthma meds my new doctor at Fort Eustis had given me. My new doctor had failed to mention that I was supposed to rinse my mouth out after using this inhaler. So that was what was causing these sores. A few days later after doing swishes in my mouth with orange juice and now rinsing after this new inhaler the sores were going away.

A couple days after that I get another call from Dwayne. And yes I was groveling, lol. I explained to him what was really wrong and kept apologizing for thinking the worst about him. But seriously how could I not with what the first doctor told me, lol. Now of course we look back and laugh at this, lol.

AIT

For those of you that don't know AIT is like a trade school for the Army. It is where you go after Basic Traning, aka boot camp, to learn about the job you will be doing in the Army. Dwayne ended up picking medic as his job so he headed off to San Antonio for AIT after basic. I don't remember how many weeks it was just know it wasn't long enough for the Army to move us there, lol.  It has to be over a certain number of weeks for the Army to move the family for AIT.

AIT was a very trying time for us as a couple. It started out very similiar to basic, they could only make calls on the weekends. We were good then. After a few weeks they were allowed cell phones on the weekends and then weekend passes where they could go off post for the weekend. Nowadays they are allowed computers and such but back then they weren't allowed.

He got to come home for Christmas, I can't remember how long but I think it was 2 weeks like the normal block leave most military get for Christmas, though it might have been shorter. I remember him being VERY sick for Christmas. You could just look at him and tell he wasn't feeling good. I joked it was my cooking, that he had gotten so used to the army food he couldn't handle real food anymore. I remember like always that time with him home went by way to fast but I knew in a couple months he would be home again and it would be time for us to move away and start his Army career together. I looked forward to that, what was I thinking?? lol

I remember the weekends with him having the passes were very hard for me. I can admit I have trust issues because of previous relationships so it was hard for me to trust him going out to clubs and stayig at hotels without me there making sure he wasn't getting into any trouble. I am sure most of you have heard the saying "helicopter mom" well I am a helicopter wife, lol. So it was a very hard time for me and thinking back on it and I can still feel some of that anxiety I felt during that time.

I can remember during the week him sneaking into the bathroom late at night to call me sometimes during the week, bad Dwayne, lol. They were always very short conversations but I treasured them. During the weekends when he was allowed to call he was usually surrounded by people so we didn't have much privacy for our conversations, not to mention it is kind of hard to talk to your wife while you are getting drunk and getting a lap dance from a stripper, yes I went there, lol.  One of the things I can laugh at now but back then I wanted to reach through the phone and slap him silly, lol.

I remember him being stressed over his tests, if he failed he would be held back and have to start AIT over again. But he passed all his tests with flying colors and from what I understand that is not easy to do. Most people don't realize just how smart he is, he likes to hide it for some reason.

I remember being upset because I couldn't go out for his AIT graduation. We just didn't have the money for the flight and hotel room. I wish I could have been there to support him and show him how proud I was of  him, but he understood. So after many weeks, from Nov to March, he was finished with AIT and while we might have had some battle scars but we survived it as a couple.

I remember being so excited for him to come home and for us to start out this new chapter of our lives at Fort Stewart, Georgia.

Basic Training

I remember the day Dwayne left for Basic Training like it was yesterday. It was the first time we had ever spent apart from each other. I remember dropping him off at the recruiters station for them to take him up to Richmond where he would spend the night then head off to Fort Benning, GA the next day. I remember trying so hard not to cry and I did good, I didn't cry until after the van left. The recruiters office was in the same shopping center I worked in so I went over to the store I worked at to hang out and talk with the other lady that worked there for a little while, to kind of get myself under control.

I remember him calling me from Richmond that night and me thinking there is no way I was going to survive without him, how was I going to be able to handle weeks with him away? Little did I know that that was how we would spend the majority of his Army career, lol.

After that phone call it was a little over a week before I heard from him again. He was able to call me for 10 minutes every Sunday as long as they didn't get into any trouble, so most Sunday's I heard from him. I cherished those 10 minutes!

I remember the feeling I got when I would see a letter from him in the mail. There are no words to describe how happy those letters made me. He would send post cards to Wesley, he always go so excited to get them from the mailbox. He would have me read them to him and then would hang them up in his room.

He was at Basic for almost 4 months. His basic was longer than most because he had to come home during for a death in the family so started all over again when he got back to Ga. I can't remember the date but his graduation was in November. I remember how excited I was flying down with Wesley to go to it. Thinking about it I can feel those butterflies in my stomach again. The first night we got there we weren't able to see him but we did talk to him on the phone. The next morning we got up early and got ready for what they called Family Day. I remember hardly being able to sit still during our cab ride to the barracks. Like always with the Army they had to talk before we could be with our soldiers. I truthfully don't remember a word that was said because all I could do was stare at Dwayne with the biggest and I am sure dumbest smile on my face.

He was able to get a pass for the day to spend with us. We hung out at the mall and the showed us around Fort Benning. We hung out in the hotel room watching cartoons and playing with Wesley. It was a great day.  Was so hard to drop him back off at the barracks that night.

The next day was the graduation. I don't think I have ever been prouder of him than I was that day when I saw him marching out onto the field for the ceremony. He looked so handsome in his dress uniform. And yet again I can't remember a thing that was said at the ceremony, I just remember him standing there looking all handsome, me being proud and Wesley pointing all excited at his Daddy.

He got another pass for the day. I had completely forgotten but once I started typing this all out I remembered we went out to eat with some other soldiers and their families after the ceremony. Then we went back to the hotel and just hung out enjoying some family time together. And again it was so hard to drop him off at the barracks again that night.

The next day Wesley and I were flying back to VA and he was flying off to San Antonio to do his AIT at Fort Sam Houston. We actually got lucky and got to spend some time with him at the Airport since our flights were leaving around the same time. This time I wasn't as strong as when he left for basic. I remember him holding me and me just crying my eyes out. I remember crying for half the flight back to VA. I am sure the people around me probably thought I was crazy, lol. Now that I think back on it the graduation from basic is a lot like R&R during a deployment, it is a reminder of what you are missing. While I would never have given up the chance for either it was always harder to say goodbye the 2nd time around.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

As our time in the Army is coming to an end I figured I would come on here and blog about the good, the bad and the ugly of the last 10 years.

My first memories of the Army lifestyle was actually before he joined. Dwayne had to lose a good amount of weight to join the Army, around 50lbs to be exact. His recruiter would take him to the gym on Langley Air Force Base a few times a week. He also started the Atkins diet to help him lose weight, so I remember lots of bacon in our household during this time. But what stands out the most is hemorrhoid ointment. Yes I said hemorrhoid ointment, lol.

His recruiter told him a little trick to drop a few inches around the waist for when he went to MEPS to enlist, so he would pass the tape test. He had to rub hemorrhoid ointment all over his stomach, hips and back then wrap it with saran wrap and wear it all day. So I can remember going to Walmart a few times a week and clearing off their shelf of hemorrhoid ointment. I can just imagine what the cashiers thought when I went to pay for it, lol.

Needless to say all of it worked and he was able to drop the weight in a few months and was able to enlist into the United States Army.

Tummy Issues

Going to warn you in advance, this post will probably be TMI, so if you don't want to know all about my tummy issues then stop reading, lol.

About a month ago I had to go to the ER for, here comes the start of the TMI, pooping pure blood. As far as I knew I hadn't been having blood in my stools before this. The night before I had been cramping and feeling like I had to go, for those of you with no gall bladder it felt like how it feels after you eat certain foods. So anyways that next morning it was pretty scary so Dwayne took me to the ER. After checking me over the doctor put in a referral for the GI Clinic here.

Well yesterday was finally my consult appointment with the GI doctor. Yes a month later even with the doctor stressing I should see someone within 3 days, got to LOVE military health care :) After asking me a gazillion questions, ok so maybe more like 50 questions, he puts in for me to have a colonoscopy. I go tomorrow for that. Yes I was even shocked at how fast they got me in for that, I am thinking someone canceled.

So today I start the prep for that. And I swear I am more scared about today than the actual procedure tomorrow. I can only have black coffee, I always drink my coffee with creamer and sugar, and I can't have Pepsi. Those are two of my three addictions so it is going to be hard. I can only have clear sugar free liquids, and for some reason they include black coffee in the clear liquids, lol. I can't have any solid foods, only broth, jello and popsicles. Now I hardly ever eat breakfast, for some reason when I do it always upsets my tummy. So I wasn't worried about that, I figured come lunch is when I would start to get hungry. But nope for the 1st time in as long as I can remember I am sitting here at breakfast time starving. Got to love how your mind messes with your body!

I will also have to drink this horrid drink today and two hours before the procedure tomorrow to "clear out my system". Nowadays they do make a pill that does this, but we all know the military isn't going to splurge for that so they make us stick with the old fashioned yucky drink. I have to drink 8oz of this drink every 15minutes for an hour. Here is my problem with that, it can take me 2 hours to drink a drink normally, and that is with something I like and drinking fast. So it should be interesting to have to drink this yucky stuff faster than I have ever drank before. Dwayne says it will be good practice for my beer experiment, if you don't know about that I will be posting in the coming days about it.

 I am scared for tomorrow, not just of the actual procedure, I will be asleep for it. But for what they may find. I am a googler, and usually it is a good thing. But when it comes to medical stuff sometimes it can be bad. Sometimes when you start looking at symptoms of things it can scare you. So yeah I have been researching like crazy since my ER trip and there are lots of scary things out there to read! Hopefully though it is nothing serious. I am also scared they won't be able to find anything and this was all for nothing, and knowing how the military health system works nothing else will be looked into. So I am torn between wanting them to find something, just not anything serious lol, and not wanting them to find something. Sometimes no information can be scarier than getting bad news.

So please pray for me for tomorrow and please pray for Dwayne and the kids for having to deal with me today and tomorrow with no food, coffee or soda, lol.

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. While I do believe it is NOT easy to be a spouse to someone in the Military it is also "not the hardest job in the Army, Navy, Marines or Coast Guard".  I am sure all you Military spouses have seen those stickers. And they piss me off, to say the least. Really how is what we do harder than what our husbands/wives do? I know during my husband deployments it wasn't easy to pretty much be a single mom and be constantly worried about him. But at least I didn't have any bullets being shot at me or have to worry about driving over an IED on my way to the Commissary.

I get the idea behind it. I get that what we do isn't easy. It sucks to sit at home and wait, it really sucks to wonder if the day we said "see you in a year" will be the last day we saw our spouse. It sucks to have dinner on the table and get a call that some idiot lost some equipment and it will be hours before they get home. It sucks to have them miss Birthday's, Anniversaries, Christmases etc. It sucks to never be able to make concrete plans because you never know when they are going to be called back into work. I could go on and on about the stuff that sucks to be a Military Spouse, but all in all we live a safe life. We don't have to leave our family for months to years. We get to watch our kids grow up and not miss out on the important stuff. I truly believe the Soldier has the hardest job, not the spouse.

That said it is nice to have a day to be honored for what we do. If we didn't do what we do at home then our Soldiers wouldn't be able to do their job and concentrate on their mission. Now this is for the "good" military wives. We all know some that don't fit into this category. To those of us that keep the household up, keep our legs closed, keep everything in order so our husband's don't have to worry what is going on back home, I applaud you. I thank you today. If just one Soldier isn't able to concentrate on the mission it can put all the Soldier's in danger. So thank you for taking care of your family and putting your spouses mind at ease. Thank you for making sure that all of our spouses are safe.

Right now I am lucky to have my husband home, and believe me after 3 deployments I know just how lucky I am. But to those of you whose husbands/wives are deployed we are thinking of you today, and every day. And I pray that the time flies by for you and that your spouse returns home safely to you.

The Battle is ON!

As everyone knows from my previous post I am suffering from depression. That night I prayed and opened my heart back up to God. I swear right away I felt a sense of peace come over me. My heart became lighter than it has in months. I know there is still a battle for me to fight but it makes it easier knowing God is in my corner!

The next day I actually had motivation to get things done! I have been cleaning and cooking and spending time with the kids. I am no where near where I should be. My body isn't used to it so I am having to work back up. I get wore out just doing the littlest thing. But I am more than thrilled that I have the motivation again! And I know with these baby steps and taking it one day at a time I will eventually win this battle!

So please keep praying for me, it is working! And I will keep updating on how I am doing. Please also pray I am able to find some good Christian women to fellowship with. I really feel a need in my heart for this. Now back to cleaning :)

I'm officially a Soccer Mom

I never ever thought I would say those words.  Katie is playing soccer again this season, she played in the fall and now in spring. I guess that officially makes me a soccer mom. She really seems like it and enjoy it. We tried to get her to sign up for baseball this season with Jonathan but she was adamant about playing soccer again. Of course there is always the chance next season she will decide to try something else out.

Last spring when she played soccer she was in the youngest age group, 5-6 years old. It was a much smaller field with no goalie and the coach running on the field with them as refs and telling them what to do. This season she is in the 7-8 age group and it is much different. A much bigger field, which means more running, a goalie, refs and the coach on the sideline. The kids are also more experienced and know more of what they are doing. Seriously it is a shock to see just how different it is! Katie seems to be handling the change good but unlike last season she isn't the biggest kid out there. That helped her last season as the other kids were scared of her, lol.

I guess though I should change that title to soccer/t-ball mom since Jonathan is playing t-ball. This is the first time he has been able to play an organized sport since here at Eustis they all start at 5 not 4 like Riley did. He seems to really be enjoying it. He is still learning though that playing T-ball in real life is a lot different than playing baseball on the wii, lol. He is the youngest on his team but catching on really quick. And his coach is awesome, we couldn't have asked for a better coach. He is very patient with them and just has that personality that kids like. He is able to teach the kids in that way that they don't even know they are learning, they think they are just having fun. They had their first game this weekend and did great. Of course at this age they don't keep score or do any outs or anything like that. So we have no idea what team won. But all the kids had fun and hardly any of them stopped playing to pick flowers or play in the dirt.

Because of these sports our weeks are crazy. We have soccer practice on Monday and Wednesday, if there isn't a game that night. Then on  Tuesday and Thursday is T-ball practice, if there isn't a game on those nights. Friday we have off, woo hoo! But after running all week we usually just want to hang around the house. Then Saturday there is a soccer and t-ball game, so by the time we get home in the afternoon we are already wore out. Then Sunday is our day of rest, literally :). But I wouldn't have it any other way. Organized sports are so good for the kids and as long as they are having fun and enjoying it we will keep signing them up for it. Hopefully as they get bigger they find one they love and stick with it.

Now I will leave you with a few pictures of my "babies" playing their sports. So hard to believe they are both old enough now to play!

Depression

So anyone that has read some of my facebook updates recently knows I am fighting a battle with depression. I have no idea where this has come from. I have suffered from depression for years, probably since elementary or middle school. However there is normally a pattern to it. Usually it shows its ugly face in the winter time and once spring comes I am back to normal again.

Well it is now spring, almost summer and here I am depressed, worse than I have been in years. I have NO motivation to do anything. My house is a wreck, Dwayne tries to pick up the slack but cleaning has never been a strong point of his, lol. All I ever feel like doing is sitting in front of the computer or watching tv.

It is almost like a vicious cycle. When I am depressed I become an insomniac. So I stay up until 2-3 in the morning. Then I have to be up at 7:30 to get Katie on the bus for school. So after that I am like a zombie. Being that sleepy just makes me more depressed and gives me less motivation to do anything.  I also suffer from anxiety, and when I am depressed it gets worse. And because it gets worse that just makes me more depressed. Then there is my weight/health. I have put on about 40lbs since I had Hannah. Instead of losing the weight I gained while I was pregnant I gained double what I had. All this extra weight makes it harder for me to do things around the house and run around with the kids. That makes me feel horrible, like the worst mother in the world, and gives me horrible self esteem. What does that do? That just feeds my depression more. You know the saying " A circle is round, it has no end"? Well that is how I am feeling about this depression right now.

I haven't been on any drugs for my depression in years, not since 2007. I do NOT like them at all. They make me a zombie. While I am no longer sad/depressed I am also no longer happy. I swear they also make me more depressed. My depression is weird, it is almost like bi-polar. It goes up and down. When I am in my "depressed state" I have good weeks and bad weeks. The only thing missing is me being manic on those good weeks, if I had that  it would be classic bi-polar. I think that is why the drugs don't work for me, I don't need them on those good weeks, but you can't just stop taking them like that.

So anyways, over the years I have learned how to fight my depression. I know the signs leading up to it, I know when it starts to get bad. And usually I can fight it off and be good for awhile. Well for some reason I just can't seem to do that this time. All my "techniques" just aren't working.

So tonight during my insomniac state I am sitting here thinking. I'm having a battle within myself. Everyday I find myself farther and farther from God. Don't get me wrong I still have all the same beliefs and I still have faith. It is just my relationship that I have let slip away. I no longer pray daily, read the bible daily, read a devotional daily, no longer go to church. I can't remember the last time I did any of that. I have just let that relationship slip away. I have let the devil into my life and have no idea how to evict him. I really wish I had some sort of support system, a group of Christian friends in the area. I mean I know this could still happen if I had that but I feel it would be less likely. I realize that I am sad and depressed and really missing that connection, that relationship. So now my goal is to get that back. It is going to be hard, fighting the devil is never easy. But even if my relationship has been lacking on my part I know God is still with me and he will help me fight this battle. It is time to get my life right with God again. So please if you read this please say a little prayer for me. Right now I am so lost and I know who can give me direction, I just have to figure out how to get back to that place where I can hear him again. I am going to need strength to fight the devil when he puts excuses in my head for why I shouldn't go to church, why I shouldn't read the bible, etc. So right now I am going to stop writing, get on my knees and pray like I haven't prayed in a long time. Open my heart back up again and let God back into my life.

Girl Scouts

Last night Katie was invited to try out a girl scout meeting. I had wanted to sign her up at the beginning of the school year but there was only one troop here at the time and well I wasn't fond of the leader. I am not going to send my daughter to be lead by someone who is yelling and talking down to one of her girls while giving her "sales pitch" on girl scouts. I went ahead though and put her down on the list as interested, if there were new troops started. I got a call a few weeks after school started, that same leader wanted me to be the leader of a new girl scout troop here on post. Me??? Um yes I was in girl scouts for many years, kindergarten through 7th or 8th grade, can't remember when I stopped going, lol. But I know nothing about running a troop. I had to pass. I felt horrible because I really wanted Katie in girl scouts and they obviously needed more leaders. But I had no idea how to be a leader, and I didn't feel right leading a troop that would probably end up in disaster because I had no idea what I was doing. Not to mention I would of had to work with this woman who I despised, lol.
So we just let it go and figured she could start up next year in brownies where there were more troops with leaders, lol. But then Katie came home with a note in her backpack on Wednesday. Turns out they had found someone else to be a leader and her friend had mentioned she had wanted to be a girl scout. So she got the invite to go try it out at their next meeting on Thursday, yes we got one days notice, lol. We decided to let her try it out and she loved it!
However she had a hard choice to make. She could join girl scouts and have her birthday at home. Or still have her birthday at the skating rink or indoor pool and not join girl scouts. We just couldn't afford to do both. After some thinking she decided to join girl scouts. She realized that a birthday party would be for only one day and girl scouts would be for once a week!
I am very happy she decided to join girl scouts, not only was I happy about not dishing out $160 for a birthday party, I was happy because I remember how much fun girl scouts was for me. I am very excited for her and can't wait to start sewing on all of her patches! I think I am going to have to go pull out my vest for her to see:).
And to my old girl scout troop ladies, how weird is it that they didn't end the meeting in a circle singing Day is Done??? And how lucky are the girls now that they only have to wear the vest, not the ugly pants and everything?
So now who wants to buy some cookies??? lol

Normal???

I am really starting to wonder if there is such a thing as a normal baby/child. As most of my friends and family know recently Hannah was diagnosed with having a metabolic disorder called Galactosemia, yeah I had never heard of it either. Everything I read says it is genetic but as far as we know no one in either of our families has it or has even heard of it. As of right now we don't know how bad it is, we are waiting for the referral to go through so she can go see a genetisist. Her doctor said she thinks it is probably the mild form since her levels are so low. While I was happy to hear that, I am also a bit cautious. You see a little under 2 years ago I was told not to worry about Isabella because the levels were so low. The levels showed that my due date was off or I was having twins, for Anencephaly my levels should have been much higher. So yeah it is hard for me to put all my faith in what the levels say.

So back to the normal thing. I was sitting in my van driving back from WIC, where I had to get her formula changed to soy because of the galactosemia. Anyways while I sitting at a light it dawned on me I have not had one "normal" child. Wesley had issues at birth, was born with two thumbs on one hand, has mild autism and problems with his eyes. Katie also had some issues at birth, has ODD and they think is also bipolar. The birth was good with Jonathan but he does show some major signs of OCD and maybe some behavior problems, though we were told it would be hard to tell with him because he could just be coping Katie's behaviors. With Isabella it was a hard birth and of course she had a fatal birth defect along with another NTD. And now there is Hannah who up until recently we thought was 100% healthy and "normal". But we have now learned is very likely to have a hard life with possibly some learning disabilities, ovarian failure at a young age along with more severe problems depending on how bad the galactosemia is.

Now do not get me wrong, I LOVE my kids no matter what "problems" they may have. I am not here complaining at all, I know their "issues" could be a lot worse than they are. I am very thankful and lucky to have 4 living children without very severe handicaps and one sweet angel in Heaven watching down on us. I am VERY thankful for them and to me they are all perfect. But as I was sitting there at that light I just starting wondering why, why some people have 1-20 perfectly healthy "normal" kids and I can't even get 1 out of 5. All I could think of was I either have really bad luck or God thinks way to highly of me.

Doctors and Confusion

This has been a week full of doctors appointments and lots of confusion! It started on Monday with my 1st regular NST of the week. On Monday's I see a doctor afterwards to get checked out and have an ultrasound to check my fluid, which thankfully is staying normal still, and check Hannah's position since she is in breech. Well as my previous blog states last Monday we discussed trying to move Hannah or doing a c-section. We decided to try and move her first. So Dwayne decided to join me this past Monday so we could figure out the next step. Well I saw a different doctor and he said they wouldn't do the external version until I was 39 weeks, the previous doctor said at 36 weeks. He pretty much said I was lying or had misunderstood what my regular doctor had said. So before I left that day I made sure to make an appointment to discuss it with my regular doctor, to find out what the heck was going on and have her put it in writing or something since she was going on leave while I was at 36 weeks. So needless to say we left the office VERY confused when we expected to leave with some answers, lol.

On Tuesday Katie had a doctors appointment because for forever now, meaning years, she hasn't been able to breath right out of her nose. We thought it was something she would maybe outgrow which is why we waited to take her to the doctor. Well we finally decided at 6 she must not be able to outgrow it. With us living in VA and right at the beginning of spring they automatically started assuming it was allergies, even though it is a year round 24/7 type of thing for her. The doctor was a bit shocked when she looked up Katies nose and saw her whole nasal cavity is swollen shut. Just to rule out allergies they have started her on nasonex and zyrtec, we go back in 3 weeks and if it isn't any better then we will go on to ENT to get it checked out. I am hopeful it is just allergies but I have a feeling there is more to it than that. We also have to watch her sleep because she suspects she might have sleep apnea too. We also found out Katie now weighs 73lbs!!!! She is one big girl, lol.

Wednesday, yesterday, I got to meet with my regular OB doctor to discuss moving Hannah. Like I told the other doctor she confirmed that I wasn't lying or mistaken. She wanted it done at 36 weeks NOT 39 weeks. The baby is smaller and easier to move but big enough that if there are complications she would be able to survive the emergency c-section. Thankfully she went ahead and scheduled it so that way I don't have to go through all this again while she is on leave, she also discussed it with the doctor that will be doing it. So on April 4th at 7am I will be admitted to the hospital,have an NST done, hopefully given a spinal, it is up to the doctor if they do that or not, and then they will try to move her. Hopefully she will move and I won't end up in an emergency c-section. I will have to stay for a couple hours for them to monitor Hannah then get to head home. If it doesn't work we have the option of at 39 weeks coming back in and trying again. If it works they will go ahead and deliver her regularly at that point and if it doesn't work go ahead and a c-sec at that point. I truthfully don't think we will make it to that point though since in the past I usually go naturally into labor during the 38 week mark.

Our plan right now though is that she will be moved on the 4th, it will work and we will leave. Then on the 25th of April, when I am 39 weeks, go in and be induced and have her naturally. Again though I put money on me going into labor before the 25th. It feels so nice though to have a "plan" set. I hate the unknown and even though I know we could easily falter off that plan it still feels good to have something somewhat planned, lol. So yesterday we left with answers and less confusion, which was so nice, lol.

Today I go in for my 2nd NST of the week, every week I go every Monday and Thursday. Hopefully it is a normal NST where the doctor looks over it says everything is good and I go home, lol. I don't think I can handle any more confusion or surprises this week!

Miss Hannah

Been awhile since I have written on here, figured I would come update on how things are with Miss Hannah. I am now 33 weeks along. The past couple months we have had the complication of extra fluid, now two weeks in a row of ultrasounds it looks like the fluid is back to normal. My tummy measurement is still a week ahead but that isn't that abnormal. She looks to be growing great on the ultrasounds, right around where she should be. For awhile her tummy was measuring really big but they think that is normal now too since the radiologist didn't mention it in his report. I am going twice a week now for stress tests and so far everything is looking good. My blood pressure is great, my oxygen level is perfect and Hannah's heartbeat is good. Once a week the doctors are doing ultrasounds and we learned last week Hannah is in an odd position, today it was confirmed she still is. They are calling it breech but she is more crooked, lol. Her head is under my ribcage and then she goes diagonally down to where her feet are by my opposite hip. They think what happened is when I had all the extra fluid she was moving around a lot, which is normal with the extra fluid, they don't usually get into a position and stay lol. But now that the fluid is gone she doesn't have the room to move down into position.

They don't think she is going to move into position so they told me my two options of what can be done if she doesn't move by 36 weeks, which again they don't think she will. I can either get an inversion done, aka they move her or do a c-section. Both of them have risks so we have to decide which risks we want to take. For the inversion there is the risk of placenta abruption, water breaking, her heartbeat dropping, or the cord being to short, which would be one of the reasons why she didn't get into the right position. If any of those things happen then they would do an emergency c-section. They didn't lie to me and told me that those risks do frequently happen. But with the position of my placenta and this being my 5th pregnancy I am a good candidate for the inversion. The c-section has all the normal surgery risks, which are increased with me being overweight and a family history of bloodclots.

After talking with Dwayne this afternoon I think we have decided to try the inversion first. I haven't had a c-section with any of the others and really don't want to have one if I don't have to. Surgery just scares me, lol. Not to mention the longer recovery time and the higher chance of infection with be me being overweight.
From what I understand I will go in on the 4th for my normal stress test then they will take me into the OR do an ultrasound to confirm she is still breech. Then I will get an epideral and they will try to move her. If there are no complications they will keep me for atleast 3 hours to monitor her heartbeat and make sure everything is okay. Then I will go on with the pregnancy until I go naturally into labor or if I make it to 39 weeks they will induce me. If there are any complications they will go ahead and to the c-section right there since I will already be in the OR and already have the epideral in. She will be considered a week early if that happens but that isn't that big of a deal, but could mean she has to stay for a few days longer than normal.

So as of right now I will continue with my stress tests twice a week until the 36 week mark, do the inversion and hopefully continue on with the pregnancy. We both just feel it is the best choice for our family, hopefully this way we can avoid a c-section.

Best Christmas Present Ever!

As I sit here and listen to Dwayne giving the kids a bath I am reminded of what I am most thankful for this Christmas. The best present I can be given for christmas this year isn't under the tree. It is upstairs in the bathroom. It is having my husband home safe and sound!

As a military family we have spent many holidays apart. Between ranges, field time and deployments Dwayne hasn't always been home to celebrate with us. Because of this you really learn to treasure the time you do have together as a family. You learn the best things in the world can't be wrapped in a box and put under the tree.

So while yes this will be a hard Christmas for us for other reasons I will be thankful we are able to spend it with him. We never know if he will be home for the next one, so we make sure to enjoy the times we do have him here.

So thank you Santa and the US Army for allowing us to spend this special time of year together! And I will be thinking about those of my friends who have to spend it apart. I pray for strength and peace for you and you family and for your spouse to come home safe and sound so next year you can enjoy this day with them as a family.

Decorating the Tree

This weekend we finally got around to decorating the tree. Since our fake tree broke last year and we don't have the money to replace it this year we decided to wait and get a real one from Trees for Troops. It is a great program that gives free Christmas trees to military families! I stupidly sent my husband alone to get a tree, lol. He comes back with a tree over 7ft tall and about 4ft wide, lol. He did trim it up and make it a bit shorter but it is still VERY wide, lol. But it is beautiful! Luckily we have the room for it, lol. All but two strands of our lights broke in the move, thankfully a wonderful friend gave us some lights she no longer needs. Two strands would not have been enough for this tree, lol. We also didn't have near enough ornaments for this big tree so Dwayne's mom gave us hers to use too.

Now of course since we let the kids do most of the ornaments it isn't the perfect looking tree but it is beautiful in other ways. I wouldn't have it any other way. Christmas for me is about the kids, about the joy and innocence they have and if they want more than half the ornaments on the bottom of the tree since that is all they can reach it is okay by me, lol.

They had so much fun doing it. I am so happy they are finally at the age where they are understanding Christmas and able to enjoy everything about it. Even though this year the holidays are hard for me their excitment is contagious and takes some of the saddness away. I can't wait to see their faces Christmas morning!