Postive

I have been trying to stay positive but some days it is just hard. I try to remind myself that we have a roof over our heads, food on our table, and are alive and healthy. I am thankful for these things but some days I want more. I want friends. I want a life. I want to be more than a high school drop out stay at home mom. I just don't know where to start.

Most days I am lucky to just get out of my pajama's. Heck if I am honest on rare occasions I am just lucky to get out of bed. I was talking with Dwayne yesterday morning and realized I have no idea what I want to be when I "grow" up.

When I was younger I wanted to be a teacher, but those dreams have long gone. I thought about being a nurse but it just doesn't feel right. Then I thought about being a Doula since the reason I wanted to go into nursing was to work in labor and delivery. But Doula's are more about natural child birth and breast feeding. Which I have nothing against but I also have nothing against an epidural or formula feeding. I have thought about jobs that work with grieving parents but not sure what those would be. I know I want to go into a field to that works with and helps people, just haven't figured out what field that is yet.

I just feel lost. When Dwayne was in the Army my job was taking care of the kids, the house and supporting him in his career. And even though I am still doing the same thing now, in a sense, it just feels so different. I think a lot of it has to do with not having friends. In the Army lifestyle it was easier to find other wives to be friends with. Ones who were also SAHM's. I just miss my friends so much. This move has been the hardest of them all. I think this time it being our choice has made it harder. Before the Army told us when and where we were moving, we didn't have much of a say in it. This time we chose to leave our friends behind.

There have been a few times since our move that I question if we did the right thing. I remind myself of why we did it, but when I am sitting home day after day with no other social interaction besides my kids and husband it gets easy to start questioning myself. There were two main reasons we moved out here and I am having a hard time figuring out how to go about doing those things.

This change from Army life to civilian life has been hard. Hard on us financially, emotionally and even hard on our marriage at times. It has been scary and uncertain, and I am not good with uncertainty. I am a control freak so I admit it is hard to just put this all in God's hands and trust him. I am trying. I pray that I can get comfortable doing that and learn to trust that he brought us here for a reason and not stress over things so much. My heart knows this is true, it is my mind I have to convince.

Explanation

So after recieving a Facebook message this morning I feel the need to explain some things. I never realized some of the things I said could upset people. Yes we got Toys for Tots/Angel Tree for the kids. Yes we got them each a gift from Operation Homefront and yes without our knowledge my husband's unit bought our kids some presents, along with some other families. And yes we did get an advance from H&R block to buy them some presents.

Here is the reason WHY we got the advance and bought them some presents. First off you don't get a lot of money with the advance. We got a few hundered dollars but out of that we had to buy the ball tickets which weren't cheap and we also paid on a bill. So what was left yes I did use for black friday to buy some gifts. With the Angel Tree/Toys for Tots you never know what you are going to get. If your kids didn't get picked for the Angel Tree then you are going to get one present for each kid. And NO I am not complaining about that, I am very thankful for even one present. And this year all my kids didn't get picked for the Angel Tree and the ones that did get picked didn't all get the same amount. Whoever the nice family was that picked Katie went crazy and got lots of stuff, Jonathan and Wesley got a few things and Hannah got nothing. How would it look Christmas morning when Katie and Jonathan got lots of things but poor Hannah has two things between Toys for Tots and Operation homefront? As adults we undesrstand how it works and are thankful for even one thing but kids don't see things that way. They would be asking why Santa got so in so more than me. I also had to use he advance for Dwayne's work secret santa gifts, our party white elephant gifts and gifts for family members.

We also have 3 kids Birthday's in January, one on the 4th right after Christmas. So we can use those presents we bought with the advance for that. So the presents we buy with the advance can be a back up for Christmas if we need them, which we did for Hannah or birthday presents, which they will be for Katie and Jonathan.

Yes we did buy Jonathan a 3DS and no that did not come out of the advance, that would have been almost all of the advance if we had, lol. Many months ago before my husbands check was being garnished we bought a tablet. Well last month Jonathan was running with the tablet and fell down and broke it. We had bought the warrenty thingy from Best Buy and since they didn't have that same tablet in stock we got a gift card for the amount of the tablet. That is what we used to buy the 3DS. That was the only thing he was asking for for Christmas and I knew we weren't going to get that from Toys for Tots/Angel Tree.

And yes we did buy Katie an electric scooter. That is the one thing she was asking for. I saw a generic one on sale at K-Mart for $80 awhile ago and put it on layaway because again I knew we weren't going to get that from Toys for Tots/Angel Tree.

I truthfully feel like how we do Christmas is no ones business but apparently some people have their panites in a bunch over the fact that we bought toys along with getting assitance. Hopefully this will help straighten out their panties, if not I don't care. I am not going to feel guilty for getting help at Christmas for my kids. And we had NO idea about what his unit was doing, they did not do this in the previous years we have been here., just needed to clarify that.  Now I am on to enjoy this Holiday, and hope that everyone reading this has a Very Merry Christmas!

Herpes

Yes you read that rigth,the title of this blog post is Herpes, lol. A couple weeks after coming home from Dwayne's Basic Graduation I had sores all in my mouth. I head off to the urgent care clinic to get it taken care of because I wasn't able to eat or drink anything. They look at them and tell me I have herpes, I explained to the doctor that my husband was gone and that I hadn't done anything to get herpes. I explained about going for his basic but that he was also with only men so I doubt he did anything, she just said you would be surprised what guys do. I sat in complete shock. I go home and write Dwayne a not so very nice letter asking him what in the world he did during Basic to give me herpes when I was there for his graduation. I am thinking some pretty bad things, especially because he was in an all male basic training, lol.

A day or two later I get a call from him and I of course go off on him pretty much saying and asking the same things I did in the letter. He swears up and down he has no idea what I am talking about that he didn't do anything while at basic. I had done nothing while he was gone so of course I didn't believe him and just knew he gave me herpes.

About a week later the mouth sores had just gotten worse so I head off to urgent care again. This time I got a different doctor. Right away she knew it wasn't herpes. She had looked over my list of meds I was on and knew it was one of the new asthma meds my new doctor at Fort Eustis had given me. My new doctor had failed to mention that I was supposed to rinse my mouth out after using this inhaler. So that was what was causing these sores. A few days later after doing swishes in my mouth with orange juice and now rinsing after this new inhaler the sores were going away.

A couple days after that I get another call from Dwayne. And yes I was groveling, lol. I explained to him what was really wrong and kept apologizing for thinking the worst about him. But seriously how could I not with what the first doctor told me, lol. Now of course we look back and laugh at this, lol.

AIT

For those of you that don't know AIT is like a trade school for the Army. It is where you go after Basic Traning, aka boot camp, to learn about the job you will be doing in the Army. Dwayne ended up picking medic as his job so he headed off to San Antonio for AIT after basic. I don't remember how many weeks it was just know it wasn't long enough for the Army to move us there, lol.  It has to be over a certain number of weeks for the Army to move the family for AIT.

AIT was a very trying time for us as a couple. It started out very similiar to basic, they could only make calls on the weekends. We were good then. After a few weeks they were allowed cell phones on the weekends and then weekend passes where they could go off post for the weekend. Nowadays they are allowed computers and such but back then they weren't allowed.

He got to come home for Christmas, I can't remember how long but I think it was 2 weeks like the normal block leave most military get for Christmas, though it might have been shorter. I remember him being VERY sick for Christmas. You could just look at him and tell he wasn't feeling good. I joked it was my cooking, that he had gotten so used to the army food he couldn't handle real food anymore. I remember like always that time with him home went by way to fast but I knew in a couple months he would be home again and it would be time for us to move away and start his Army career together. I looked forward to that, what was I thinking?? lol

I remember the weekends with him having the passes were very hard for me. I can admit I have trust issues because of previous relationships so it was hard for me to trust him going out to clubs and stayig at hotels without me there making sure he wasn't getting into any trouble. I am sure most of you have heard the saying "helicopter mom" well I am a helicopter wife, lol. So it was a very hard time for me and thinking back on it and I can still feel some of that anxiety I felt during that time.

I can remember during the week him sneaking into the bathroom late at night to call me sometimes during the week, bad Dwayne, lol. They were always very short conversations but I treasured them. During the weekends when he was allowed to call he was usually surrounded by people so we didn't have much privacy for our conversations, not to mention it is kind of hard to talk to your wife while you are getting drunk and getting a lap dance from a stripper, yes I went there, lol.  One of the things I can laugh at now but back then I wanted to reach through the phone and slap him silly, lol.

I remember him being stressed over his tests, if he failed he would be held back and have to start AIT over again. But he passed all his tests with flying colors and from what I understand that is not easy to do. Most people don't realize just how smart he is, he likes to hide it for some reason.

I remember being upset because I couldn't go out for his AIT graduation. We just didn't have the money for the flight and hotel room. I wish I could have been there to support him and show him how proud I was of  him, but he understood. So after many weeks, from Nov to March, he was finished with AIT and while we might have had some battle scars but we survived it as a couple.

I remember being so excited for him to come home and for us to start out this new chapter of our lives at Fort Stewart, Georgia.

Basic Training

I remember the day Dwayne left for Basic Training like it was yesterday. It was the first time we had ever spent apart from each other. I remember dropping him off at the recruiters station for them to take him up to Richmond where he would spend the night then head off to Fort Benning, GA the next day. I remember trying so hard not to cry and I did good, I didn't cry until after the van left. The recruiters office was in the same shopping center I worked in so I went over to the store I worked at to hang out and talk with the other lady that worked there for a little while, to kind of get myself under control.

I remember him calling me from Richmond that night and me thinking there is no way I was going to survive without him, how was I going to be able to handle weeks with him away? Little did I know that that was how we would spend the majority of his Army career, lol.

After that phone call it was a little over a week before I heard from him again. He was able to call me for 10 minutes every Sunday as long as they didn't get into any trouble, so most Sunday's I heard from him. I cherished those 10 minutes!

I remember the feeling I got when I would see a letter from him in the mail. There are no words to describe how happy those letters made me. He would send post cards to Wesley, he always go so excited to get them from the mailbox. He would have me read them to him and then would hang them up in his room.

He was at Basic for almost 4 months. His basic was longer than most because he had to come home during for a death in the family so started all over again when he got back to Ga. I can't remember the date but his graduation was in November. I remember how excited I was flying down with Wesley to go to it. Thinking about it I can feel those butterflies in my stomach again. The first night we got there we weren't able to see him but we did talk to him on the phone. The next morning we got up early and got ready for what they called Family Day. I remember hardly being able to sit still during our cab ride to the barracks. Like always with the Army they had to talk before we could be with our soldiers. I truthfully don't remember a word that was said because all I could do was stare at Dwayne with the biggest and I am sure dumbest smile on my face.

He was able to get a pass for the day to spend with us. We hung out at the mall and the showed us around Fort Benning. We hung out in the hotel room watching cartoons and playing with Wesley. It was a great day.  Was so hard to drop him back off at the barracks that night.

The next day was the graduation. I don't think I have ever been prouder of him than I was that day when I saw him marching out onto the field for the ceremony. He looked so handsome in his dress uniform. And yet again I can't remember a thing that was said at the ceremony, I just remember him standing there looking all handsome, me being proud and Wesley pointing all excited at his Daddy.

He got another pass for the day. I had completely forgotten but once I started typing this all out I remembered we went out to eat with some other soldiers and their families after the ceremony. Then we went back to the hotel and just hung out enjoying some family time together. And again it was so hard to drop him off at the barracks again that night.

The next day Wesley and I were flying back to VA and he was flying off to San Antonio to do his AIT at Fort Sam Houston. We actually got lucky and got to spend some time with him at the Airport since our flights were leaving around the same time. This time I wasn't as strong as when he left for basic. I remember him holding me and me just crying my eyes out. I remember crying for half the flight back to VA. I am sure the people around me probably thought I was crazy, lol. Now that I think back on it the graduation from basic is a lot like R&R during a deployment, it is a reminder of what you are missing. While I would never have given up the chance for either it was always harder to say goodbye the 2nd time around.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

As our time in the Army is coming to an end I figured I would come on here and blog about the good, the bad and the ugly of the last 10 years.

My first memories of the Army lifestyle was actually before he joined. Dwayne had to lose a good amount of weight to join the Army, around 50lbs to be exact. His recruiter would take him to the gym on Langley Air Force Base a few times a week. He also started the Atkins diet to help him lose weight, so I remember lots of bacon in our household during this time. But what stands out the most is hemorrhoid ointment. Yes I said hemorrhoid ointment, lol.

His recruiter told him a little trick to drop a few inches around the waist for when he went to MEPS to enlist, so he would pass the tape test. He had to rub hemorrhoid ointment all over his stomach, hips and back then wrap it with saran wrap and wear it all day. So I can remember going to Walmart a few times a week and clearing off their shelf of hemorrhoid ointment. I can just imagine what the cashiers thought when I went to pay for it, lol.

Needless to say all of it worked and he was able to drop the weight in a few months and was able to enlist into the United States Army.

Tummy Issues

Going to warn you in advance, this post will probably be TMI, so if you don't want to know all about my tummy issues then stop reading, lol.

About a month ago I had to go to the ER for, here comes the start of the TMI, pooping pure blood. As far as I knew I hadn't been having blood in my stools before this. The night before I had been cramping and feeling like I had to go, for those of you with no gall bladder it felt like how it feels after you eat certain foods. So anyways that next morning it was pretty scary so Dwayne took me to the ER. After checking me over the doctor put in a referral for the GI Clinic here.

Well yesterday was finally my consult appointment with the GI doctor. Yes a month later even with the doctor stressing I should see someone within 3 days, got to LOVE military health care :) After asking me a gazillion questions, ok so maybe more like 50 questions, he puts in for me to have a colonoscopy. I go tomorrow for that. Yes I was even shocked at how fast they got me in for that, I am thinking someone canceled.

So today I start the prep for that. And I swear I am more scared about today than the actual procedure tomorrow. I can only have black coffee, I always drink my coffee with creamer and sugar, and I can't have Pepsi. Those are two of my three addictions so it is going to be hard. I can only have clear sugar free liquids, and for some reason they include black coffee in the clear liquids, lol. I can't have any solid foods, only broth, jello and popsicles. Now I hardly ever eat breakfast, for some reason when I do it always upsets my tummy. So I wasn't worried about that, I figured come lunch is when I would start to get hungry. But nope for the 1st time in as long as I can remember I am sitting here at breakfast time starving. Got to love how your mind messes with your body!

I will also have to drink this horrid drink today and two hours before the procedure tomorrow to "clear out my system". Nowadays they do make a pill that does this, but we all know the military isn't going to splurge for that so they make us stick with the old fashioned yucky drink. I have to drink 8oz of this drink every 15minutes for an hour. Here is my problem with that, it can take me 2 hours to drink a drink normally, and that is with something I like and drinking fast. So it should be interesting to have to drink this yucky stuff faster than I have ever drank before. Dwayne says it will be good practice for my beer experiment, if you don't know about that I will be posting in the coming days about it.

 I am scared for tomorrow, not just of the actual procedure, I will be asleep for it. But for what they may find. I am a googler, and usually it is a good thing. But when it comes to medical stuff sometimes it can be bad. Sometimes when you start looking at symptoms of things it can scare you. So yeah I have been researching like crazy since my ER trip and there are lots of scary things out there to read! Hopefully though it is nothing serious. I am also scared they won't be able to find anything and this was all for nothing, and knowing how the military health system works nothing else will be looked into. So I am torn between wanting them to find something, just not anything serious lol, and not wanting them to find something. Sometimes no information can be scarier than getting bad news.

So please pray for me for tomorrow and please pray for Dwayne and the kids for having to deal with me today and tomorrow with no food, coffee or soda, lol.