Postive

I have been trying to stay positive but some days it is just hard. I try to remind myself that we have a roof over our heads, food on our table, and are alive and healthy. I am thankful for these things but some days I want more. I want friends. I want a life. I want to be more than a high school drop out stay at home mom. I just don't know where to start.

Most days I am lucky to just get out of my pajama's. Heck if I am honest on rare occasions I am just lucky to get out of bed. I was talking with Dwayne yesterday morning and realized I have no idea what I want to be when I "grow" up.

When I was younger I wanted to be a teacher, but those dreams have long gone. I thought about being a nurse but it just doesn't feel right. Then I thought about being a Doula since the reason I wanted to go into nursing was to work in labor and delivery. But Doula's are more about natural child birth and breast feeding. Which I have nothing against but I also have nothing against an epidural or formula feeding. I have thought about jobs that work with grieving parents but not sure what those would be. I know I want to go into a field to that works with and helps people, just haven't figured out what field that is yet.

I just feel lost. When Dwayne was in the Army my job was taking care of the kids, the house and supporting him in his career. And even though I am still doing the same thing now, in a sense, it just feels so different. I think a lot of it has to do with not having friends. In the Army lifestyle it was easier to find other wives to be friends with. Ones who were also SAHM's. I just miss my friends so much. This move has been the hardest of them all. I think this time it being our choice has made it harder. Before the Army told us when and where we were moving, we didn't have much of a say in it. This time we chose to leave our friends behind.

There have been a few times since our move that I question if we did the right thing. I remind myself of why we did it, but when I am sitting home day after day with no other social interaction besides my kids and husband it gets easy to start questioning myself. There were two main reasons we moved out here and I am having a hard time figuring out how to go about doing those things.

This change from Army life to civilian life has been hard. Hard on us financially, emotionally and even hard on our marriage at times. It has been scary and uncertain, and I am not good with uncertainty. I am a control freak so I admit it is hard to just put this all in God's hands and trust him. I am trying. I pray that I can get comfortable doing that and learn to trust that he brought us here for a reason and not stress over things so much. My heart knows this is true, it is my mind I have to convince.