Tummy Issues

Going to warn you in advance, this post will probably be TMI, so if you don't want to know all about my tummy issues then stop reading, lol.

About a month ago I had to go to the ER for, here comes the start of the TMI, pooping pure blood. As far as I knew I hadn't been having blood in my stools before this. The night before I had been cramping and feeling like I had to go, for those of you with no gall bladder it felt like how it feels after you eat certain foods. So anyways that next morning it was pretty scary so Dwayne took me to the ER. After checking me over the doctor put in a referral for the GI Clinic here.

Well yesterday was finally my consult appointment with the GI doctor. Yes a month later even with the doctor stressing I should see someone within 3 days, got to LOVE military health care :) After asking me a gazillion questions, ok so maybe more like 50 questions, he puts in for me to have a colonoscopy. I go tomorrow for that. Yes I was even shocked at how fast they got me in for that, I am thinking someone canceled.

So today I start the prep for that. And I swear I am more scared about today than the actual procedure tomorrow. I can only have black coffee, I always drink my coffee with creamer and sugar, and I can't have Pepsi. Those are two of my three addictions so it is going to be hard. I can only have clear sugar free liquids, and for some reason they include black coffee in the clear liquids, lol. I can't have any solid foods, only broth, jello and popsicles. Now I hardly ever eat breakfast, for some reason when I do it always upsets my tummy. So I wasn't worried about that, I figured come lunch is when I would start to get hungry. But nope for the 1st time in as long as I can remember I am sitting here at breakfast time starving. Got to love how your mind messes with your body!

I will also have to drink this horrid drink today and two hours before the procedure tomorrow to "clear out my system". Nowadays they do make a pill that does this, but we all know the military isn't going to splurge for that so they make us stick with the old fashioned yucky drink. I have to drink 8oz of this drink every 15minutes for an hour. Here is my problem with that, it can take me 2 hours to drink a drink normally, and that is with something I like and drinking fast. So it should be interesting to have to drink this yucky stuff faster than I have ever drank before. Dwayne says it will be good practice for my beer experiment, if you don't know about that I will be posting in the coming days about it.

 I am scared for tomorrow, not just of the actual procedure, I will be asleep for it. But for what they may find. I am a googler, and usually it is a good thing. But when it comes to medical stuff sometimes it can be bad. Sometimes when you start looking at symptoms of things it can scare you. So yeah I have been researching like crazy since my ER trip and there are lots of scary things out there to read! Hopefully though it is nothing serious. I am also scared they won't be able to find anything and this was all for nothing, and knowing how the military health system works nothing else will be looked into. So I am torn between wanting them to find something, just not anything serious lol, and not wanting them to find something. Sometimes no information can be scarier than getting bad news.

So please pray for me for tomorrow and please pray for Dwayne and the kids for having to deal with me today and tomorrow with no food, coffee or soda, lol.

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. While I do believe it is NOT easy to be a spouse to someone in the Military it is also "not the hardest job in the Army, Navy, Marines or Coast Guard".  I am sure all you Military spouses have seen those stickers. And they piss me off, to say the least. Really how is what we do harder than what our husbands/wives do? I know during my husband deployments it wasn't easy to pretty much be a single mom and be constantly worried about him. But at least I didn't have any bullets being shot at me or have to worry about driving over an IED on my way to the Commissary.

I get the idea behind it. I get that what we do isn't easy. It sucks to sit at home and wait, it really sucks to wonder if the day we said "see you in a year" will be the last day we saw our spouse. It sucks to have dinner on the table and get a call that some idiot lost some equipment and it will be hours before they get home. It sucks to have them miss Birthday's, Anniversaries, Christmases etc. It sucks to never be able to make concrete plans because you never know when they are going to be called back into work. I could go on and on about the stuff that sucks to be a Military Spouse, but all in all we live a safe life. We don't have to leave our family for months to years. We get to watch our kids grow up and not miss out on the important stuff. I truly believe the Soldier has the hardest job, not the spouse.

That said it is nice to have a day to be honored for what we do. If we didn't do what we do at home then our Soldiers wouldn't be able to do their job and concentrate on their mission. Now this is for the "good" military wives. We all know some that don't fit into this category. To those of us that keep the household up, keep our legs closed, keep everything in order so our husband's don't have to worry what is going on back home, I applaud you. I thank you today. If just one Soldier isn't able to concentrate on the mission it can put all the Soldier's in danger. So thank you for taking care of your family and putting your spouses mind at ease. Thank you for making sure that all of our spouses are safe.

Right now I am lucky to have my husband home, and believe me after 3 deployments I know just how lucky I am. But to those of you whose husbands/wives are deployed we are thinking of you today, and every day. And I pray that the time flies by for you and that your spouse returns home safely to you.

The Battle is ON!

As everyone knows from my previous post I am suffering from depression. That night I prayed and opened my heart back up to God. I swear right away I felt a sense of peace come over me. My heart became lighter than it has in months. I know there is still a battle for me to fight but it makes it easier knowing God is in my corner!

The next day I actually had motivation to get things done! I have been cleaning and cooking and spending time with the kids. I am no where near where I should be. My body isn't used to it so I am having to work back up. I get wore out just doing the littlest thing. But I am more than thrilled that I have the motivation again! And I know with these baby steps and taking it one day at a time I will eventually win this battle!

So please keep praying for me, it is working! And I will keep updating on how I am doing. Please also pray I am able to find some good Christian women to fellowship with. I really feel a need in my heart for this. Now back to cleaning :)

I'm officially a Soccer Mom

I never ever thought I would say those words.  Katie is playing soccer again this season, she played in the fall and now in spring. I guess that officially makes me a soccer mom. She really seems like it and enjoy it. We tried to get her to sign up for baseball this season with Jonathan but she was adamant about playing soccer again. Of course there is always the chance next season she will decide to try something else out.

Last spring when she played soccer she was in the youngest age group, 5-6 years old. It was a much smaller field with no goalie and the coach running on the field with them as refs and telling them what to do. This season she is in the 7-8 age group and it is much different. A much bigger field, which means more running, a goalie, refs and the coach on the sideline. The kids are also more experienced and know more of what they are doing. Seriously it is a shock to see just how different it is! Katie seems to be handling the change good but unlike last season she isn't the biggest kid out there. That helped her last season as the other kids were scared of her, lol.

I guess though I should change that title to soccer/t-ball mom since Jonathan is playing t-ball. This is the first time he has been able to play an organized sport since here at Eustis they all start at 5 not 4 like Riley did. He seems to really be enjoying it. He is still learning though that playing T-ball in real life is a lot different than playing baseball on the wii, lol. He is the youngest on his team but catching on really quick. And his coach is awesome, we couldn't have asked for a better coach. He is very patient with them and just has that personality that kids like. He is able to teach the kids in that way that they don't even know they are learning, they think they are just having fun. They had their first game this weekend and did great. Of course at this age they don't keep score or do any outs or anything like that. So we have no idea what team won. But all the kids had fun and hardly any of them stopped playing to pick flowers or play in the dirt.

Because of these sports our weeks are crazy. We have soccer practice on Monday and Wednesday, if there isn't a game that night. Then on  Tuesday and Thursday is T-ball practice, if there isn't a game on those nights. Friday we have off, woo hoo! But after running all week we usually just want to hang around the house. Then Saturday there is a soccer and t-ball game, so by the time we get home in the afternoon we are already wore out. Then Sunday is our day of rest, literally :). But I wouldn't have it any other way. Organized sports are so good for the kids and as long as they are having fun and enjoying it we will keep signing them up for it. Hopefully as they get bigger they find one they love and stick with it.

Now I will leave you with a few pictures of my "babies" playing their sports. So hard to believe they are both old enough now to play!

Depression

So anyone that has read some of my facebook updates recently knows I am fighting a battle with depression. I have no idea where this has come from. I have suffered from depression for years, probably since elementary or middle school. However there is normally a pattern to it. Usually it shows its ugly face in the winter time and once spring comes I am back to normal again.

Well it is now spring, almost summer and here I am depressed, worse than I have been in years. I have NO motivation to do anything. My house is a wreck, Dwayne tries to pick up the slack but cleaning has never been a strong point of his, lol. All I ever feel like doing is sitting in front of the computer or watching tv.

It is almost like a vicious cycle. When I am depressed I become an insomniac. So I stay up until 2-3 in the morning. Then I have to be up at 7:30 to get Katie on the bus for school. So after that I am like a zombie. Being that sleepy just makes me more depressed and gives me less motivation to do anything.  I also suffer from anxiety, and when I am depressed it gets worse. And because it gets worse that just makes me more depressed. Then there is my weight/health. I have put on about 40lbs since I had Hannah. Instead of losing the weight I gained while I was pregnant I gained double what I had. All this extra weight makes it harder for me to do things around the house and run around with the kids. That makes me feel horrible, like the worst mother in the world, and gives me horrible self esteem. What does that do? That just feeds my depression more. You know the saying " A circle is round, it has no end"? Well that is how I am feeling about this depression right now.

I haven't been on any drugs for my depression in years, not since 2007. I do NOT like them at all. They make me a zombie. While I am no longer sad/depressed I am also no longer happy. I swear they also make me more depressed. My depression is weird, it is almost like bi-polar. It goes up and down. When I am in my "depressed state" I have good weeks and bad weeks. The only thing missing is me being manic on those good weeks, if I had that  it would be classic bi-polar. I think that is why the drugs don't work for me, I don't need them on those good weeks, but you can't just stop taking them like that.

So anyways, over the years I have learned how to fight my depression. I know the signs leading up to it, I know when it starts to get bad. And usually I can fight it off and be good for awhile. Well for some reason I just can't seem to do that this time. All my "techniques" just aren't working.

So tonight during my insomniac state I am sitting here thinking. I'm having a battle within myself. Everyday I find myself farther and farther from God. Don't get me wrong I still have all the same beliefs and I still have faith. It is just my relationship that I have let slip away. I no longer pray daily, read the bible daily, read a devotional daily, no longer go to church. I can't remember the last time I did any of that. I have just let that relationship slip away. I have let the devil into my life and have no idea how to evict him. I really wish I had some sort of support system, a group of Christian friends in the area. I mean I know this could still happen if I had that but I feel it would be less likely. I realize that I am sad and depressed and really missing that connection, that relationship. So now my goal is to get that back. It is going to be hard, fighting the devil is never easy. But even if my relationship has been lacking on my part I know God is still with me and he will help me fight this battle. It is time to get my life right with God again. So please if you read this please say a little prayer for me. Right now I am so lost and I know who can give me direction, I just have to figure out how to get back to that place where I can hear him again. I am going to need strength to fight the devil when he puts excuses in my head for why I shouldn't go to church, why I shouldn't read the bible, etc. So right now I am going to stop writing, get on my knees and pray like I haven't prayed in a long time. Open my heart back up again and let God back into my life.