Depression

So anyone that has read some of my facebook updates recently knows I am fighting a battle with depression. I have no idea where this has come from. I have suffered from depression for years, probably since elementary or middle school. However there is normally a pattern to it. Usually it shows its ugly face in the winter time and once spring comes I am back to normal again.

Well it is now spring, almost summer and here I am depressed, worse than I have been in years. I have NO motivation to do anything. My house is a wreck, Dwayne tries to pick up the slack but cleaning has never been a strong point of his, lol. All I ever feel like doing is sitting in front of the computer or watching tv.

It is almost like a vicious cycle. When I am depressed I become an insomniac. So I stay up until 2-3 in the morning. Then I have to be up at 7:30 to get Katie on the bus for school. So after that I am like a zombie. Being that sleepy just makes me more depressed and gives me less motivation to do anything.  I also suffer from anxiety, and when I am depressed it gets worse. And because it gets worse that just makes me more depressed. Then there is my weight/health. I have put on about 40lbs since I had Hannah. Instead of losing the weight I gained while I was pregnant I gained double what I had. All this extra weight makes it harder for me to do things around the house and run around with the kids. That makes me feel horrible, like the worst mother in the world, and gives me horrible self esteem. What does that do? That just feeds my depression more. You know the saying " A circle is round, it has no end"? Well that is how I am feeling about this depression right now.

I haven't been on any drugs for my depression in years, not since 2007. I do NOT like them at all. They make me a zombie. While I am no longer sad/depressed I am also no longer happy. I swear they also make me more depressed. My depression is weird, it is almost like bi-polar. It goes up and down. When I am in my "depressed state" I have good weeks and bad weeks. The only thing missing is me being manic on those good weeks, if I had that  it would be classic bi-polar. I think that is why the drugs don't work for me, I don't need them on those good weeks, but you can't just stop taking them like that.

So anyways, over the years I have learned how to fight my depression. I know the signs leading up to it, I know when it starts to get bad. And usually I can fight it off and be good for awhile. Well for some reason I just can't seem to do that this time. All my "techniques" just aren't working.

So tonight during my insomniac state I am sitting here thinking. I'm having a battle within myself. Everyday I find myself farther and farther from God. Don't get me wrong I still have all the same beliefs and I still have faith. It is just my relationship that I have let slip away. I no longer pray daily, read the bible daily, read a devotional daily, no longer go to church. I can't remember the last time I did any of that. I have just let that relationship slip away. I have let the devil into my life and have no idea how to evict him. I really wish I had some sort of support system, a group of Christian friends in the area. I mean I know this could still happen if I had that but I feel it would be less likely. I realize that I am sad and depressed and really missing that connection, that relationship. So now my goal is to get that back. It is going to be hard, fighting the devil is never easy. But even if my relationship has been lacking on my part I know God is still with me and he will help me fight this battle. It is time to get my life right with God again. So please if you read this please say a little prayer for me. Right now I am so lost and I know who can give me direction, I just have to figure out how to get back to that place where I can hear him again. I am going to need strength to fight the devil when he puts excuses in my head for why I shouldn't go to church, why I shouldn't read the bible, etc. So right now I am going to stop writing, get on my knees and pray like I haven't prayed in a long time. Open my heart back up again and let God back into my life.